Don’t Believe the Male Hype

By Marcus Cooper

 In recent years there has been much written about the changing attitudes of women, as it pertains to dating. Specifically, that the recent changes in economic power and professional autonomy have resulted in women making different choices when it comes to dating and coupling. It is often reported as the “perplexing” dating arena that contemporary heterosexual males find themselves in as the first decade of the 21st century draws to a close.

 The gist, for those of you not intimately familiar with this topic, is that, as women have moved into the workforce in larger numbers, they have seen a corresponding increase in their incomes and professional opportunities; hence, they no longer desire men to “take care of them”.

(Patriarchal implications of power require a different skill-set than killing things and paying bills.)

 There is even an inordinate amount of statistical data that indicates that this directly affects the type of man that women are attracted to and are encouraged to sleep with. Suddenly, having a Corvette and an expense account does not lure as many possible dance partners as it has in most of the post-war period. This is, of course, reported in the Male side of the aisle as a “loss of Power” and many men lament the passing of earlier times when their fathers and grandfathers “had it made”.

 As a heterosexual, meat-eating, sports-car-driving, beer-drinking male, I take offense not only to the implications of many of the articles originating in the Feminist world, but also the rabid, knee-jerk reaction of Male magazines and Male conventional wisdom. There is a major aspect of this discourse that has, until now, been largely suppressed.

 The Generation X male is quite different from his Greatest Generation and Baby Boomer counterparts. Most obviously, because Generation X has the distinction of being the first in U.S. history where more than 50% of the occupants were reared in a single-parent household – which a woman was the head of, more than 60% of the time.

 This is not a watershed of information by any stretch of the imagination, for anyone who has been remotely paying attention, but the implications of it seems to elude a number of us.  Generation X males are intimately familiar with — and have a fair amount of respect for — strong, independent women, because these men were, more often than not, raised by women like these. They sat side-by-side with them in undergraduate/graduate or post-graduate courses and have dated quite a few of such women is the past fifteen years. It is still rather perplexing that these males seek the traditional powerless, pedestal-ed female archetypes when consuming all forms of media – I, for one, do not believe it extends to the realm of dating. I want to theorize that Generation X males adopt two personae:

Number One is that of Physically Effective Manhood — excessive beer-drinking, farting in public, fighting, profanity, threats of bodily harm — and then there is:

 Number Two, which is the Neo-Classical Male — viewing women as participants in the sexual act and not merely receivers of male sex; viewing child-rearing as not only a 50-50 proposition, but a vital aspect of his development as a man; acknowledgement that the physically stronger sex is not entitled to total and complete ownership of matters of money, politics, national security or sports. It is a widely-viewed reflex that Generation X males adopt the Physically Effective persona when it is to their advantage (like a knife fight in an alley). This leads to a second consideration:

 It is very tiring for Gen-X males to constantly switch between these personae in an attempt to either placate or not embarrass their male friends and peers (specifically older males). I personally believe that this is the main reason why many men feel as they do. . . because they are hiding their true selves to stay in the good graces of Physically Effective men.

 I know this sounds like a stretch, but as a member of the Lift-Heavy-Things & Race-Anything-With-An-Engine fraternity, I have been witness to this situation several times. It’s a rather rare event for a man to question his father or grandfather about if he really “knocked a guy on his ass because the terms of the lease deal were insulting.” I think it is safe to say that a vast majority of men do not “threaten the cable man with a broken nose because he was 20 minutes late for the install” . . . but that doesn’t’ stop them from telling the story that they either did, almost did, or felt justified in their desire to do so.

 These types of stories are met with nervous laughter (because according to demographic data there’s a real women near you, so you had better watch what you laugh at) but never resentment, indignation or demanding of more facts to prove these wild allegations. Men freely pass these lies among each other so that the fallacy of Physically Effective Manhood will not be tarnished.  My belief is that this is tiring for all involved.

 What I am getting at is that there are millions of men who have long desired the women and the situation that we all presently occupy. There are millions of men who like strong women who have their own money and their own opinions. There are men who think of building a life together instead of adding her to his life. There are men who are encouraged and excited by seeing a woman they are involved with, win accolades, salary raises, degrees and professional respect. I am one of these men. And I would ask all of the women reading this not to buy into the “men are pissed and confused” story that is being widely reported throughout the media. It may still be a number of years before the actual hallmarks of manhood change (yes, we fear change) but that doesn’t mean that the seeds are not already in place. You strong ladies have many millions of fans – men who want nothing more than to get close to you and let you see if he’s worth your trouble. Don’t believe the hype. MC

Copyright 2010 by RAWomen. All rights reserved.

BrainSwitch – A Way Out of Depression

by  A. B. Curtiss

 Children are at a great advantage in life when they learn at an early age that they have two brains: They have an emotional brain and they have a thinking brain and these two brains perform two widely different functions.

 According to neuroanatomists, while the thinking brain matures with age and experience, the emotional brain never matures. Thus, we have two-year-old tantrums of infant rage, repeated straight through life by those who don’t know any better. Not just ten-year old tantrums either. We’ve all read about 40-year-olds in road rage and parents at kid league football games.

 The other important thing to know about our two brains — for those who don’t want to get themselves stuck in emotional and social difficulties — is that the emotional brain, the modern equivalent of our primordial survival instinct, triggers all by itself. But unfortunately this is not true of the thinking brain.

 The thinking brain may activate automatically as a result of learned association (think “salt” and the thought “pepper” pops up; think “up” and the thought “down” activates). But to be absolutely sure your brain goes in the direction that would be most helpful in any difficult situation, one must call upon the thinking brain as an act of will.

 Here’s where that old saying, “freedom of the will” is not just an ancient platitude. Your brain is your most obedient servant. But you have to know how to direct it. If you don’t know how it works, you can unwittingly give your brain instructions that send it whirling into a place you don’t want to go. Like rage, and jealousy and fear.

 These emotions are the very thing that should remind you of your freedom of the will. “Hey,” you can say to yourself. “I’m really upset. I better get out of my emotional brain and into my thinking brain RIGHT NOW.”

 This is especially true of fear — and remember, blame is the way we avoid feeling the painful feeling of fear. So if you are into blame and jealousy and mad at the world, say this to yourself. “What can I do to help myself in this adverse situation?”

 It is not easy to do, or everybody would be rational, laid-back vessels of sweetness and light. But we’re not all sweetness and light. We’re frequently upset. And because the emotional brain is instinctual and houses our psychological defense system, we are scripted to pay attention to it first. That’s why it’s good to have second thoughts about things.

 It’s not easy to turn away from hating everybody, and fearing everything, when we just don’t know what to do next. Unchecked emotion freezes us in old holding patterns like denying, blaming, withdrawing, and throwing tantrums. That’s the very meaning of emotion, e-motion, without motion, without going forward.

 Emotion is the easiest thing in the world to do because it’s an instinct, not volitional behavior. Rational thinking takes more effort. That’s the bad news. But the good news is that you don’t have to know exactly what to do next in order to help yourself. Your thinking brain has everything necessary in its memory banks to help you. You just need to jumpstart the process by asking your thinking brain to help you . . . by having those second thoughts . . .by saying to yourself, “Now, hold on, what can I do to help myself here? What is a positive option?” When you have asked your brain a question, it will do its very best to come up with an answer for you.

 When you turn away from your emotional brain and ask yourself what positive, small thing can you do to help yourself in this bad situation, your brain will come up with something. You can trust your own rational brain to come up with something that will be better than being upset and afraid. There is always something more appropriate than fear and upsetness to do.

 To ensure that your brain comes up with better and better solutions for the problems in your life, you must constantly be programming helpful information into your memory banks that you can draw upon later. This is why education is so important. This is why it’s important to have principles.

 Suppose, for instance you have a weight problem. You’re at a meeting and overhear someone say that you’re fat. Sure, you can get upset and hate the skinny person who called you fat. You can withdraw from the group in anger and fear. You can blame everybody for being cold and uncaring. Or you can ask yourself, “What can I do to help myself in this embarrassing and adverse situation?”

 You can always turn from your emotional brain and put your thinking brain to work. It will help if, ahead of time, you have previously programmed into your memory banks the principle that it is a good thing to strive constantly to be a better person. It will help if you have already programmed into your memory banks what kind of food is more nutritious and less fattening so you could decide, then and there, to start eating carrots instead of potato chips.

 It will help if you have programmed into your memory banks the principle that negative emotion should never be an option, that self-denial of things that aren’t good for you is a good thing, that embarrassing situations are good for one’s character and one is a stronger person to have suffered and survived than never to have suffered at all. It will help you for the rest of your life if you will program into your thinking brain — right this minute — that you can call upon it and it will always come up with some positive alternative to anxiety, anger and fear.

************

A. B. CURTISS is a board-certified cognitive behavioral therapist; a licensed marriage-family therapist; the award-winning author of nine books, including BrainSwitch Out of Depression; a certified hypnotist and creator of BrainSwitching — a system of mind tricks that works with the brain’s neuroplasticity to re-wire you out of depression, anxiety and insomnia.

Copyright 2010 by RAWomen. All rights reserved.

The Attack – Information, Resources and Strategies for Coping with Autoimmune Disease

 by Christine Kerrigan

 Autoimmune Disease

 In celebration of the Real Authentic Woman, it is our intention to be a continual resource of information for RAW women everywhere . . . and what is a RAW woman, without her health? Autoimmune Disease is a topic that is pertinent to women everywhere, as 75% of those afflicted with an autoimmune disease are women. 

 I am not a doctor. I am not a healer. I am not a medical expert. However, I have spent the last seventeen years of my life dealing with, adjusting and readjusting to, autoimmune disease – getting knocked down and getting back up – having surgeries, trips to the ER, severe allergic reactions, misdiagnoses, being sent home with doctors shaking their heads . . . periods of time with no medical insurance — and beyond my personal experiences are others I know with autoimmune diseases, my volunteer work, public speaking and research experience, combined with simply experience as a patient – I feel comfortable in doling out the basics. Basics of information that can get our RAW women to stand up and pay attention, take care of themselves, develop this knowledge and continue to pass it along. Knowledge is power, and if we don’t spread it, then we are wasting our time. So here I am. 

 Have You Heard?

 Where to begin when describing autoimmune diseases? There is no one list of symptoms that can encompass all. Each case is different. Each patient is different. Many cases take years to diagnose, after extensive medical testing and a multitude of physicians’ opinions.  Most patients, though dealing with any number of symptoms — and in many cases, multiple diseases — are relieved to finally hear the affirmation of a diagnosis. Sure, they now have it confirmed that they do indeed have this chronic disease, but that disease that they have been mysteriously dealing with for often years – it now has a name. It is real.  It can be researched and treated . . . maybe even controlled. 

 Perhaps you have heard of Multiple Sclerosis . . . Lupus, Chronic Fatigue or Rheumatoid Arthritis. Fibromyalgia?  Or how about Hashimoto’s, Sjögren’s or Scleroderma? These names are a mere sampling of what falls into the category of autoimmune diseases — a category that, according to the American Autoimmune Related Diseases Association, afflicts 50 million Americans within the scope of more than 80 known diseases that fit this autoimmune profile. Approximately 75 percent of those afflicted with autoimmune diseases are women, who most often discover the onset during their childbearing years.  Though largely discovered in women, these diseases are also seen in men and children, and sometimes even show a higher tendency within a particular ethnic group.

 What Is an Autoimmune Disease?

 We all have at least a basic understanding of our immune system: It detects the presence of foreign invaders such as viruses and bacteria (the ‘bad guys’), and directs our antibodies (the ‘good guys’) to rid our body of the invader. In a body afflicted with an autoimmune disease, the immune system is essentially confused and directs these attacks towards the patient’s own body (auto = self). This confused immune system can attack anything from patches of skin, to bones, muscles and joints, to the heart, lungs and kidneys – even complete systems, such as the nervous system. Results can be as mild as a rash or as severe as organ failure, disability and even death. 

 Of course that isn’t to say that people with autoimmune diseases can’t lead normal lives.  With advanced treatments and technologies and the more recent surge of total-body and holistic health regimes, many patients can live relatively normal lives and not be forced to sacrifice career, education or extracurricular activities. But even for those, it is often a continual balance of maintaining a strict regime and constantly reminding oneself to not overdo things and to keep track of every little symptom in order to help predict and prevent the onset of a flare-up in disease activity — and sometimes the smallest of factors can be of contribution.

 My Personal Connection . . .

 A few years ago, I was taking a course in public speaking at a local community college.  For our first speech, we had been asked to provide three things that we could bring before the class and use to help introduce ourselves — sort of like training wheels for your first speech. Imagine the curious tension in that room when I proceeded to take my place by the instructor’s desk and whip out a plastic tray holding several plastic medicine bottles.  In complete silence, I took the cap off the first one, counted out a few pills, replaced the cap and put it back. I then took the cap off the second bottle and repeated the procedure. This went on for maybe five more bottles, until I had 22+ pills in my hand as I unscrewed the cap on my bottle of water, tossed all of the pills in my mouth and took care of my nightly regime. “It affects more than 2 million Americans; 90% of those are women. Its symptoms can range from a simple rash to total organ failure….” I paused and surveyed the classroom.  “It’s called Lupus . . . and I have it.”

 Lupus is one of the more well-known autoimmune diseases. That doesn’t mean to say that the majority of the public has any knowledge of the disease, but it usually falls under that category of “ . . . I think I’ve heard of that.” I was diagnosed with Lupus at the age of 17, after a few years of progressively feeling worse and worse and having no understanding of what was wrong with me. My blessing-in-disguise came when I had a rather typical Lupus rash on my cheeks that had oozed, crusted over and could not be concealed with makeup. My fellow students either made comments or looked away because they didn’t know what to think. A few dared to ask but that usually came out along the lines of, “What happened to your FACE????” My regular physician wasn’t sure what to make of the rash, but sympathizing that I was a senior in high school, not feeling well and struggling to graduate — and just in absolute despair that I was a month away from prom with this ‘THING’ on my face . . . (Ohhhhhh, high school!) — I was sent from one doctor to another and one was finally tipped off, did the correct tests, prescribed the right medication and I was ready to go. Rash . . . Gone. Prom . . . ON. I was a happy graduating girl.

 Since then, my health has been mostly up and down, and for the first several years, rarely under control for very long. Since then I’ve been on and off of a host of medications, from steroids to chemotherapy . . . had hundreds of X-rays, dozens of MRIs and CT scans, ultrasounds and other tests and procedures . . . several surgeries, including having both of my hips replaced (in my early 20s) and my gallbladder removed. The hips were replaced because of side effects from the steroids and more recently, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis due to the same.

 The osteoporosis was a turning point for me. After breaking three bones in the spring of 2006 and hearing from a doctor that I had “bones of a 60-year-old-woman” at age 30, I was instantly fed up. It was pretty much assumed that the steroids were to blame. After years of my doctors not being able to get me off of them in their own ways, I decided to go cold turkey (something any medical professional will tell you not to do — that it can be a serious risk). I was aware of the potential risks involved and willing to take the chance of starting to flare back up and having to return to the meds. I was able to ‘get over the hump’ of symptoms trying to rear their heads and within a few months was feeling better.  I’ve been medication-free since that time. I’ve also been physically active, studying dance — and that has seemed to play a major role in getting my body back on track. I feel better when I dance. My body aches when I don’t. My many metal parts are bothersome when I don’t! I even broke yet another bone last year, but I still return to dance – if I stop for too long, I flare up. It keeps me healthy. It keeps me happy. It keeps me sane.

 How Do We Get Autoimmune Diseases?

 Autoimmune diseases aren’t something we just catch, like a cold or the flu. They are not transferable from one person to the next through any form of physical contact. Most current theories seem to point to the idea that we are either genetically predisposed or not (meaning some of us may carry a gene that could lead to an autoimmune disease), but that gene may or may not ever be triggered into action.

 Those who do develop an autoimmune disease may not be able to find any particular trigger. Some can look back after diagnosis, having developed a greater understanding of their disease, and pinpoint a particular incident in their lives where things were just never the same. If a trigger is potentially identified, it is often some type of trauma – something that could be as trivial as a sunburn, broken bone, medication, or perhaps a major surgery or childbirth – or traumatic events such as a car accident. 

 I had a couple of events that appear to be significant in the early development of my disease. At the age of 12, I spent a day at the beach with a friend and her family. I had always been a child who would achieve a nice sun glow over the course of the summer, even with plenty of sunscreen. Burning was uncommon. On that particular day, I returned home with blisters all over my arms – and have been sun-sensitive ever since.

 At the age of 15, I broke my foot and woke up the next morning with symptoms of pneumonia, which seemingly came out of nowhere. Looking back, it has been theorized that the trauma of the broken foot triggered my body’s hyperactive immune response, bringing forth the pneumonia. I was completely “down for the count” for two whole weeks, before I could even begin to slowly merge back into everyday life. It seems rather plausible that the time in the sun that day may have had something to do with a trigger – it’s the first point in my life that I can say “I was never the same again.” The broken foot may very well have been my first big flare-up in disease activity. After that point, I truly didn’t feel the same again, until the blessing-in-disguise of a rash appeared and the diagnosis finally followed.

 What Are Some Autoimmune Diseases and Their Symptoms?

 As previously mentioned, there are over 80 recognized autoimmune diseases. Symptoms may vary from one patient to the next and not all symptoms are always seen together.

 How Do Patients Get Diagnosed?

 Diagnosis can be very difficult. Autoimmune diseases are often both poorly understood due to a lack of information, research and funding – and highly misunderstood, from what is many times outdated information or simply heresy. More than a few of these diseases are still relatively “new” by many counts, and the most current information is often rapidly changing. 

 Further complicating the problem of both diagnosis and treatment is the fact that many of those afflicted with autoimmune diseases have been diagnosed with more than one, and perhaps even several. It is not unusual for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue to be seen in the same individual, or Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Raynaud’s and Sjögren’s to be in the next.  Sometimes this is related to the series of misdiagnoses a patient may go through in obtaining a definitive diagnosis.

 In obtaining such a diagnosis, most patients will recall having been sent around from doctor to doctor with a variety of medical theories, sometimes with the offering of a “Let’s see if this helps” type of treatment until the true cause is more certain. Sometimes the cause is even more easily identified by implementing treatments and noting the body’s subsequent response. Doctors are inundated with a multitude of information and when dealing with something like autoimmune diseases with their overlapping symptoms, seemingly infinite and variable testing processes and what can sometimes be a large variety of potential outcomes – it may be understandable why the diagnostic process will span a great length of time. According to the AARDA, “most autoimmune diseases are diagnosed by a combination of blood work, clinical findings and a careful history, not only of symptoms, but also of a detailed family medical history.” Besides recalling that Grandpa had a heart attack or that Aunt Bea is a cancer survivor, how many of us truly know the details of our family’s medical history?

 Family history is often of significant importance in the diagnosis of autoimmune diseases. There are cases where these diseases appear to run rampant in families, and then in other families their showing seems to be rather spotty. In the latter, patients may not realize that something as seemingly ‘small’ as their grandmother’s thyroid troubles may have a key connection that could be useful in their quest for a personal diagnosis. The AARDA is currently promoting a campaign that specifically relates to knowing one’s family medical history. The “Autoimmune Quotient” (AQ) campaign details the importance of documentation and familiarizing yourself with your family medical history, in the event that a medical issue warrants that knowledge. Whether of an autoimmune concern or not, family medical history could very well be that last piece of the puzzle that can help lead to a definitive diagnosis. 

 What Should I Do if I Suspect I Might Have an Autoimmune Disease?

 Start by making an appointment with your primary care physician, as you may have to wait days or even weeks to get into the office. In the meantime, start a journal and detail everything. This may seem trivial now and you will likely end up with pages full of repetitive information, but there could be any number of patterns of activity and the tiniest of details that could be a clue for your physician as to what is really going on.  Take note of every symptom: How long it lasted, how it felt (including severity), where you felt it, what you were doing when it came on and when it went away, as well as anything you did to try and relieve it and what did or did not work. Also take note of any changes in your life and/or lifestyle. Any major stresses at around the same time as the symptoms came on, or in the months before? Keep in mind that major stresses may not only be things such as marriage, divorce, death, birth, work and finances, but even positive events such as children going away to college or bringing a new pet into the home can still be major source of stress. Note your activities and activity level. Have you started or stopped any exercise regimes – whether regular trips to the gym, monthly hikes or a weekly dance class? Have you started a new job or had changes in your job? Are you sitting down all day, on your feet all day, or had change to that routine? How is your sleep schedule? What is your diet like? 

 Before you even get to the doctor’s office, don’t forget to write down the basics. Even if they are in your file, most doctors will ask you again anyway – and if you are seeing a new doctor, you’ll likely fill out this information at the initial visit, so have it ready to go beforehand so nothing is forgotten. Include diagnoses of any type, that you have; medications you are currently on, including recent antibiotics; any allergies, including their reactions and the timing of all of the above. 

 Don’t forget the family details! Try to find out as much as you can about your family’s history . . . siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents . . . details are great in the beginning, but the basics are likely all that your doctor needs right now (you can always give them more later if they need it). Any conditions that relatives have or had – how long ago, how they started, progressed, etc. Note things that seem rather ‘normal’, even. A lot of times we think of our grandmother’s arthritis to be part of the normal course, or our aunt’s thyroid problem to just be “the way it goes.” No. Write it down.  You could be very glad you did.

 You typically have to start with your primary physician. They may run some basic blood-work for anything that seems relevant; they may refer you to a specialist if something seems to warrant further attention, or they may ask you to try a treatment – whether medication, lifestyle change or supplements, to rule out other possibilities. Do remember that with autoimmune diseases, there are so many overlapping symptoms that a lot of possibilities need to be considered, analyzed, crossed off the list, etc., before even really getting down to the nitty-gritty of a potential diagnosis. The best thing you can do to help your doctor is to have your questions ready and keep on top of the journal that I previously mentioned. If your symptoms seem to get worse or they begin greatly interfering with your ability to be productive – whether in work, school or at home – don’t be afraid to stay on top of your doctor or seek immediate medical attention if you feel it is warranted. Sometimes it’s difficult to get more answers – and they may not have any until test results are received and/or new tests can be done. It doesn’t hurt to send out a reminder for someone to check on those lab results. Again, if you are feeling significantly worse, see if you can get an immediate appointment, or if not, seek medical attention if you feel it is warranted. It is better to be safe than sorry. 

 What Is the Outlook for Autoimmune Diseases?

 Prognosis is largely individual, as autoimmune diseases vary in their scope and degree of severity. In some reports, the outlook is significantly better than in the past, but according to Virginia T. Ladd, President/Executive Director of the AARDA, “. . . that could very well be due to the fact that more cases of a mild nature are being diagnosed,” thus underscoring the previous impact of those cases that are more severe. True — more and more patients are able to at least attempt to control their disease for periods of time with a variety of treatments and therapies, but as Ms. Ladd affirms, “There hasn’t been a new treatment for an autoimmune disease in over 40 years.” This leaves patients with a list of old standby treatments and a sporadic selection of clinical trials, many of which require specific criteria for eligibility.

 There are, of course, projects that look to be promising, but funding for research is a continual issue. Research is always growing in expense, and oftentimes, the budgets are not increased in the process. With many of these diseases being relative unknowns to the public, and those that are known are often spoken in the manner of, “Oh . . . I think I’ve heard of that . . . What is it?” the need for public awareness and continual education is never-ending. Only by informing others, whether one person at a time or through large organizations and events, will these diseases even begin to grow in the minds of the public, hopefully making a personal connection to the stories of others and with that, a growing desire to continue spreading the knowledge. Some of the greatest of achievements have come to fruition through largely “grassroots” efforts – from one individual to the next, one person at a time. C.K.

Copyright 2010 by RAWomen. All rights reserved.

I Am Not My Photograph

By Marilyn Kentz

It was my next-to-the-last day of my week-long vacation and I went out to dinner with a bunch of my high school friends. That evening I had made sure I looked cute. I wore great clothes, had clean hair full of product, great make-up, fabulous jewelry. Then someone took our photograph on her phone. When it got passed around, all I could see was a fat woman with fat arms and fat everything. I did not like what I saw.

The next afternoon I was in Berkeley for one last good-bye to my 22-year-old and her boyfriend. It was the boyfriend’s 24th birthday and she had made plans for the two of them to go out to a romantic dinner. Since I had extended my stay by one day, I insisted they keep their original plans. . . no need to politely drag Mommy along.

By 8:00 that evening, it still must have been 99 degrees in her cute little upstairs apartment. The San Francisco Bay Area population expects — no, counts on — the morning fog and the evening sea breeze to keep the fresh air perfect in the summer. With our diminishing ozone, I fear this blistering day was only a taste of things to come. And since they always rely on natural air conditioning, there was not so much as a little hand fan in sight. Everything was dripping. I made a mental note to pick them up a big oscillating one.

I waved them good-bye to their celebration and climbed into a cold shower with my underwear on.

Their kitchen is sort of a one-person operation, and their refrigerator makes a loud, groaning noise, so they keep the door to the tiny hot box closed. I crossed the threshold and was greeted by a furnace of air and a sink full of dirty morning dishes. I poured cold tap water over one of the dishtowels, wrapped it around my neck, snapped open a bottle of beer and went to work. I had the option of putting on music, but it was sort of pleasant to do my chores in silence. I thought of Elizabeth Gilbert scrubbing the monastery floor for months in the “Pray” part of Eat, Pray, Love. In fact, looking out the little kitchen window, I could see the limp flags of the Berkeley Buddhist monastery peeking over the lush trees.

Where was that San Francisco breeze?

I scoured for quite a while. The relief of rinsing everything with cool water was so satisfying I decided I was happy for the large mess. The eggs on the cast iron pan were a little troublesome — then I remembered that this pan had come from my mom’s house. She was recently taken from us with a massive stroke. She had used that cast iron pan for at least 50 years. It helped her treat me to the best zucchini-mushroom-and -potato frittata you’d ever want to taste. In her later years, whenever I would use her special ironware to create her favorite egg sandwich, she would remind me again and again how I should clean it with very little soap. “There’s a perfect film that builds in a cast iron pan, Marilyn. Don’t ruin what took so long to create.” So there I was, cleaning the eggs my littlest one had made for her man that morning . . . and I swear, I felt Mom watching me clean it. I broke the silence by promising her aloud that I would NOT put too much liquid soap directly into that precious tool of hers and would remind her granddaughter (again) how to care for it.

The offensive sun was finally down. My reflection, in the part of the window that wouldn’t open, showed an old, Italian scullery maid. There I was, no make up, flat hair clipped up, hot, glistening skin and a dishrag around my neck. I stared at my 60-year-old self for a long minute. I liked what I saw.

I saw a mom who misses her own mother and adores her daughter. I saw a generous woman who loves her friends and family in a great big way. I saw the person who sees art in the shadows and who can make people laugh at the most politically incorrect thing.

So, there at the sink with the reflection of a loving mom/sorrowful daughter staring back at me, I decided I AM NOT MY PHOTOGRAPH. MK

Copyright 2010 by RAWomen. All rights reserved.

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